my babies

my babies

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

Single parenthood, Wanting the best and THE WALKING STAGE.

Yes thats right my beautiful baby girl is now walking, or as Clarks like to call it, Cruising! I bought her a gorgeous pair of shoes takes ages to get them on but i LOVE them!
Seeing her walk has made me realise even more how fast she is growing up she is now officially a toddler  i love the fact she can talk to me, tell me what she wants more shes a lot more fun but a lot more hardwork!

The past few weeks i have being feeling really lonely, I think its because Christmas is looming up on us and seeing all the couples together, also i am VERY broody! Which isnt a good combination. Christmas this year is going to be a struggle, i started buying Emmas Christmas presents late August to spread the cost out i just want her to have everything she should be able to have and living on Income support with no support from a partner is hard! Expecially with Driving lessons, Nappies wipes and all the other baby equipment, doesnt help that shes growing out of 6-9 clothes so ive had to spend a small fortune on new warmer baby clothes. Which is why ive decided to get a part time job which is going to be a mission within itself! As i cant drive yet the buses dont come very often and i live in a tiny village with no shop so im going to have to rely on my parents help!

But as a single parent its up to me to make the best life for my daughter, as hard as it may be to pull myself away from her and vise versa.

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Youth funds, Websites, and juggling Emma.

These few weeks have being a real test of my time! With being  young leader ive created an online consultation with help of my 'boss' and have been calling round schools to try and get them to get involved!

My website is up and running and im trying to get young mothers to post their stories, although i would prefer video blogs but no one seems to be doing it. I guess it is a bit nerveracking!

So needless to say ive being a very busy mummy and with Emma being at the age she is, shes getitng into everything (the biscuit cupboard been her favourite) Shes saying a lot more words now last night she was on her play phone having a conversation she said 'hiya' 'whos their' 'goodbye' What a clever little miss! The health visitor came and got her weighed she is 20lb now! Still in 6-9 clothes though!

The health visitor has giving me a list of baby groups in my area so im going to go explore next week, I want emma to get more friends shes at the age where she needs to socialise more!  My health visitor has also giving me the oppotunity to work (for free) at a baby clinic which im hoping to start soon!

Friday, 10 September 2010

My new website

Things are looking up! I have created a website for younger parents

Its only in the early stages but the more people who look and register the better it will get.

Hopefully sometime in the near future ill be able to afford to have the domain in my name and to get the picture of the trees taken off! But it will do for now :)

Youth fund application.

I really want to work with younger parents, and teenagers to help prevent teenage pregnancy but support those who are aswell,

I have been looking up ways to help and have come accross a youth fund application formed by the government, Im thinking of making a dvd about been a teenage mum the difficulties and peoples stories, Im aware derbyshire have already done this and its a great success.

I want to do this county wide though, because its not just county's that have this issue its the UK in general. If anybody would like to perhaps help in this, whether its help making a website or been the camera lady/man or even sharing your experiences as a teenage mother.

Also for anyone who has any other ideas of how we can help younger parents through the youth fund application.

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

Being a single Mother Likes dislikes and MEN!

Dislike about been a SINGLE mother:

Not been able to just ask someone to hold Emma whilst i got something from a cupboard
Not been able to get them to quickly watch Emma whilst i had a shower.
Not been able to share my experience with anyone
Feeling lonely on a night time when Emmas in bed
When i have a headache or bad period pains i have to still follow Emma about instead of having help.

LOVES about been a SINGLE mother:

Been able to choose her name without consulting anybody
Been able to decide whats best for Emma on my own
Spending every day with Emma on my own just me and her
Having that special bond because im always with her
Knowing im the only one that can settle Emma when shes sad, (sounds mean but makes me feel special)

With previous experiences of men, im scared of falling in love again, ive had one relationship since Emmas dad, it lasted a month because i was too nervous to let myself fall in love. I pick at men all the time i hate the fact they shout, they lie, their mean, their controlling. But ive got to realise it isnt all men ive had bad experiences and i need to put it behind me.

I do want to have children in the future but i want a man this time, i want to do it properly i want Emma to have a decent man in her life, someone she can call Daddy. I want her to have brothers and sisters to play with i want her to have a proper family a mummy a daddy brothers and sisters, and a decent life.

9-12 months. Temper tantrums, a whole new Emma!

By the age of 9 months Emma had lots of hair! I have to put it in a bobble now, people call her jedward, or think her hair is static!

I didnt want to be a nasty mother, but i dont want Emma to be a spoil brat, i dont want her going around in life thinking she deserves everything without doing things to earn it (If that makes sense) 
So when she picks up something she shouldnt or does something she shouldnt i look at her and say firmly 'No' i thought she might of winged but she goes into full blown tantrums! She lies on the floor, bangs her head even bites her finger! But im not going to give up on this one, she cant think she can do whatever she wants becuase life doesnt work that way. So now when she does it i put her head in my lap hold her hands and make sure she doesnt hurt herself but never make a fuss.

When Emma was 10 months we moved to a village (with my family) It was hard to adapt (Still is) Their are hardly any buses, wer'e unable to go to baby groups. Theirs no people 'like me' their so i have no friends. I feel sorry for Emma because at her age she needs to interact with Children. Thats why im going to concentrate on my driving lessons. 

I decided to get rid of my stroller, and buy a 2nd hand buggy (Ziko Herbie) Its the first buggy in Emma's life that she likes! I bought it because its parent facing and its really made a difference, Maybe she hated the other buggies because she couldnt see me, or feel like she wasnt part of the 'action'.

The best part of these three months was Emmas birthday! We had lots of family come down and celebrate i baked two cakes, one was a clowns face which my mum made for my 1st birthday and the 2nd one was a shape of a 1! Her birthday was on the Friday we didnt do too much for it, she opened her presents in the morning me and her played all day whilst my mum grandma and great grandma baked ready for the party on the Saturday. On the Saturday lots of my family came down Emma had a really great day (she loves attention!) I had a bit of a cry on the Friday night, i cant believe shes one already, shes really made me grow up this past year, made me realise whats important in life. She IS the most funny fantastic most beautiful little girl in the whole world and i wouldnt change a thing about her, ... (well maybe her tantrums)

2 weeks after her birthday it was my 18th! I spent the day with Emma and my mum, brother and sister and wickstead park, took Emma on her first ride, she loved the teacups! I didnt go out for it i didnt feel 'ready' to leave her.


6-9 Months. Weight issues, leaving her and crawling

At the age of six months i understood why people hated the teething stage. Emma was sucking and biting everything she was crying all day sometimes on a night aswell, id hold her for hours hugging her whilst she screamed i tried everything dentinox, calpol, bonjela cold carrots but nothing worked. at 7 months she finally stopped teething for a little while Thank god i thought!

My anxiety was getting a bit better, Emma was interacting a lot more with my family expecially my little brother jack and my mum she always laughed at them. I felt comfortable leaving her with them so i decided to go out for the night when she was 8 months. I was only 17 but i wanted to go out nightclubbing with friends, it was only a 5 minute walk from my house i had my phone on me. We went down at 9 i was a bit nervous, nervous about how i looked compared to all my other friends. I sat in the corner sipping my WKD 'Do you want another' said a friend 'No just incase Emma gets ill' They told me to let my hair down but i couldnt, i went home at 1am back with my babygirl, their was nowhere else id rather be.

My body was getting me down more and more, i wanted to get fitter. No wonder no man wanted me look at me! 32A breasts, what i thought was a wobbly tummy. I went down to 6 stone 9 and still felt insecure. I thought i looked fine untill i tried on my brothers clothes for a laugh and fit in them perfectly, size 11-12 and i was a 17 year old woman. Things have to change i thought. It was hard because Emma would sit on my lap whilst i ate and as soon as she got bored id stop eating, So i bought a hair chair for her i was adamant i wanted to set a better example for Emma. I finally got up to 6stone12. I realised my tummy wasnt wobbly just because my tummy wasnt as toned doesnt mean i looked hideous having a baby changes your body and you have to embrace it with open arms if you want to be happy.

At the age of 9 months my baby girl finally started crawling i was so proud, she'd been so angry with herself for weeks because she wanted to get about and she couldnt. I could tell she felt a sense of achievement which made me feel so proud, see'ing her crawling about getting into everything and laughing. She was really getting a personality of her own. Even though she was still clingy things had definatly improved, i still wasnt able to put her ina  buggy or in her cot but she would explore the living room instead of hugging me.

3-6 Months old. Colic and teething.

'Emma's poo is still green mum' I said one morning 'hmm im sure its fine darling' she said. But it wasn't the past few days Emma had been really grouchy, screaming after every bottle she used to bring up her wind so well but it would take me hours to bring it up sometimes. 
'She has Colic' my health visitior told me. I had a vague clue of what it was i'd read  in a magazine steam was good for them,  so id just take her in the room whilst i have a shower then she'd be better i thought.
My health visitor gave me suggestions of what might help. At first i tried infacol. That didnt work, it seemed like it was making it worse then helping. Then i tried to lengthen her bottle feeds to four hours, it seemed to work a little but she was still crying lots. The two best things that worked for Emma were Dr Browns bottles, expensive but definatly worth it and changing her milk from cow and gate to aptamil again expensive but worth it. I noticed a big difference in days she was almost her happy self again.

I was still very anxious, and Emma was still very clingy it had got to the stage where i was co-sleeping, id read all the internet articles magazines and people discussing them, i was a light sleeper anyway i did what was safest and it worked for us. I do regret doing it now because it made her a lot more clingy. Sometimes she wouldnt even go to my mum it did make things a lot harder, i couldnt go out to town often because id have to carry her and push the pram, i even bought a new buggy because i thought it might help but it didnt.

Emma started teething at the age of 5 months. I didn't really notice any changes maybe she was grouchy but id just bit that down to the colic, i didnt even concider teething untill i saw two tiny white spots at the bottom of her gums. If teething was this easy why was everyone saying it was so bad?

From teenager to Parent- 0-3 months

When i was pregnant i had so many worries, my main one was not knowing what my baby wanted, not knowing what to do with her. Id never changed a nappy never had any experience with a baby!

But when she was born i picked it up very easily, my motherly insticts began straight away, I knew when she was hungry, i knew when she needed a nappy change or when she just wanted hugs (Most o the time!)

Dealing with a small baby was harder than i thought (4lb14 at birth- 4lb6 at 2 days old) The nurses gave me vitamins to syringe into her mouth, she always spat it out i got so worried that something would go terribly wrong if she didnt swollow them!

She used to drink 2-3oz every 3 hours, sometimes four if she was sleeping, i never woke her up whilst she was asleep. But nighttimes she'd only wake up once, at 4am on the dot.

I loves having a tiny baby to look after, i never wanted to put her down, i never did put her down 'She'll get clingy, you'll regret this' My mum kept saying 'yeye' i thought! That was untill she wouldnt go in her moses basket on a nighttime after her feed. Or go in her pram when i was in town, id have to carry her push the pram and waddle because my stitches were still sore.

I knew i should put her down more and even leave her to cry but i couldnt face it, i was a very anxious new mother, id put my finger under her nose every hour to make sure she was still breathing, i wouldnt leave her in a room by herself even when i had a bath id make sure my mum was in the same room with her. She was so little and precious anything could happen to her if someone wasnt their with her, id fought for her for so long their was no way i was letting go now. 
Post Natal Anxiety isnt talked about enough, its different from deppression, instead of wanting to harm your  baby or hated been with them, i was the opposite i was so scared something was going to happen id be so worried when i went in the bath or even for a wee. I didnt care if she would get clingy as long as she was near me, i probably needed her more then she needed me.

The first few months werent as hard as i thought they'd be, as everybody made out they were. She was such a good baby, putting on weight well smiling at me all the time. She was perfect.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

My labour story.

I went into hospital, with my mum my birth bag and full of fear!

I got put in this little room, where they strapped me up to a monitor i had a lovely young midwife look after me, she made me feel at ease. I got hooked up at 3pm. Me and my mum played cards, and ate biscuits, the monitor kept beeping but i didnt really understand what it meant. My midwife looked a little concerned. 'Do you want a stretch and sweep' she said, I didnt hesitate i wanted this baby out, Yes please! My mum left the room whilst she did it, People said the stretch and sweep was meant to hurt it felt uncomfortable but not painful. I was already 2cm dilated and felt nothing! She finished the sweep at 7pm. Then i got moved onto a little ward.

The ward was for people who were about to get induced or have a c-section i hadn't been told what was going on though. At 8pm i felt slight twinges.. i knew this was it. I thought id have hours yet i sat on the bed talking to my mum  able to talk through themby 9-10pm they suddenly got a lot stronger, but still bearable i said to my new midwife that i thought i was in labour she smiled and walked away.

At 11pm i couldnt handle it anymore, i was in a ward still in agony the other women must have been so nervous because i was so scared. Every time i felt one coming i gripped my mums hands closed my eyes my mum told me to breathe i tried, but i couldnt help crying. 'Maybe a bath would help' The midwife said, they ran me a bath i didnt care if my mum saw me naked i didnt want to be alone. The bath didnt help, I was in their for 10 minutes and couldnt take it anymore.

At 12am i was still in the ward screaming in agony they were coming every 4 minutes now they hurt so much nothing could of prepared me for this. My midwife couldnt ignore me any longer, she checked to see how dilated i was 'Oh. your 6cm right we'll get you in the labour ward do you want gas and air' 'YES' i shouted. i ran to the labour ward sat on the bed and puffed on the gas and air, they left me and my mum in their.

At 1am i felt really funny, 'im gonna be sick' i puked water on the floor my mum ran to get a midwife and my waters broke. as soon as my waters broke i felt this overwhelming feeling to push.
my mums came in with a midwife 'MUM IM PUSHING IM PUSHING I CANT HELP IT' i remember shouting. It hurt so bad. 'Just go with the flo' said the new midwife she looked over at the machine almost alarmed i didnt take much notice as she walked out of the room.

Its pretty blurry after that, all i can remember is feeling really dizzy lots of doctors running in, peadiatricions waiting by the door with a baby bed. 'we need to get this baby out right now' i remember a doctor saying they gave me a episitomy (cut me) I thought it would really hurt but i didnt feel but cut at all! At 2.44am my beautiful silent baby girl was born.

She wasnt crying, the doctors looked scared my mum looked scared. I looked over one of the midwifes winked at me and smiled, she past her over to me 'is she okay' i whispered she was fine she was just asleep i smiled she looked so precious.

Me and my mum put bets on how much she'd weigh my mum said 6lb10 i said 6lb. boy were we in for a shock! Shes a tiny 4lb14! When i got on the ward she looked so dainty compared to the other babies i was almost scared id brake her!

When i looked at her face, i whispered 'Emma' to her. That was going to be her name she didnt deserve a stupid name, she deserved a beautiful tradional pretty name.

I was in hospital for a total of 5 days. Emma lost weight she went down to 4lb6 i was worried because i was trying to breastfeed but i couldnt i didnt know how to. i decided to breastfeed and top up with formula to get her to put on weight, After a week i gave up on breastfeeding i wish i hadnt given in so easily but i was exhausted.

She was such a good baby she'd only get up once during the night i held her all day kissing her face studying her lips and her eyes i never wanted to put her down.

The worst part about my labour was the afterbirth. My stitches got infected i could barely walk i was in agony for weeks. after 13 months they still hurt occasionally.

But Emma was worth all that pain.

My Pregnancy.

I knew before i took the test, before i missed my period, i knew something wasnt right ive always been in tune with my body. I was exhausted by 8pm that was the biggest give away for me.

I went to my local time to talk, 4 days late the test came up negative, but i still knew. Went back 7 days later and it was a very strong positive. I wasnt shocked because i knew, it took a while to sink in.

I had been with the father for 6 months, it was great at first exciting! He was older 'cooler' but the past few months he started to get very controlling, i couldnt go out with friends without him been their he didnt even want me staying at home with my parents. It was the cannabis that caused it, he smoked every single day he promised he'd give up. 

I remember the night i told my mum so clearly. It was a usuall day for us, id been to college he picked me up took me straight to his friends house, his friend was leaving so he begged me just to have one drag to say goodbye, i reluctantly agreed, but he didnt stop. Eventually he took me home i broke down in tears in the car he shouted, telling me how stupid i was and it was only drugs it was raining. As soon as i got out of the car he followed me shouting and shouting. I got in the house ran upstairs to my bedroom soaking wet and cried and cried and cried. My mum came up i told her about the drugs about me been scared of him then i told her i was 8 weeks pregnant. She hugged me untill i settled down.

My mum told my dad, they werent happy expecially as they knew about his drugs, i wanted to get out of the relationship i really did but i wanted my baby to have a dad maybe he was going to change once we had a scan? He didnt. I finally plucked up the courage to say it was over, it wasnt easy i was scared about what he was going to do, He told me so many times he'd make my life hell if i broke up with him. I was 18 weeks when i finally broke up with him..

The next day he barged into my house shouting at me, shouting at my mum telling me to get an abortion that the baby wasnt his. I thought maybe that was the last id see of him but it wasnt.

My parents still werent happy but it was to late to have an abortion, i couldnt of gone through with it expecially after feeling my baby inside me. I didnt have any friends i was secluded. But i knew my old friends were bad for me and my baby. I concentrated hard at college, i wasnt doing very well when i was with him, but i knew i had to do this for my baby.

20 weeks pregnant was a milestone. Expecially when me and my mum went to the scan! I was so sure i was having a boy but when they said girl i was so thrilled! I little girl, i could play with her hair play barbies do lots of girly things, my mum seemed a little smily aswell!

As my tummy grew it became more real id spend hours layed on my bed feeling and watching my stomach moving! It felt so unreal but i loved it, the only thing i wasnt so keane on was been sick every night i hated been sick, id have to wake up as soon as i fell to sleep. Been pregnant had made me so tired. Id be in bed by 8pm and it wasnt like me one bit!

I had picked lots of names for my baby girl, Annabelle Grace, Scarlett, Bonnie Blue, Maddison, Eloise, every single week id have a different name some were ridiculas!

30 weeks + were my favourite weeks of pregnancy i was blooming and i loved it. I loved people coming up and asking me about my pregnancy.

At 36 weeks i remember i felt really swollen but i didnt think anything of it, untill i went to my Midwife apt at 37 weeks pregnant. as soon as she saw me she asked about headaches stars in my eyes and i couldnt understand why, she tested my urine sample and shook her head. then my blood pressure. 'I think you have pre'eclampsia' she said. I hadnt looked up about this i had no idea what it meant. 'Come back in exactly a week but if you feel funny call me ont this number any time'

I went back home, and straight on the computer i felt almost scared, panicky i didnt know what was going to happen, been put on bedrest meant i couldnt go out, id have to lie down most of the day which wasnt fun for me because i wanted to walk about, try get things moving in regards to labour.

I went back at 38 weeks, 'right you have to go to hospital' I gulped... my blood pressure was through the roof i has 3-4 lots of protein in my urine. I called my mum 'C,,,can you pick me up, i have to go to hospital' My midwife had said id probably be coming out with a baby.

(Please read my labour story)