moving health problems and an unlikely surprise.

Last time i wrote on her was July, me and Grant are still together and very much in love. In fact we live together now we live in a 3 bedroomed house with Emma. We've been there for around a month its gone so quick. and weve even got kittens!  Wer'e like a proper family and i love it! We have both changed jobs i am now an office administrator and Grant is a senior sales accounts manager.

In October i had a few health problems, i went to a+e with severe bloating and cramps i was in so much pain, the doctors found out i had an ovarian cyst which had burst i was in pain for weeks and weeks, i walked funny and just in agony!
2 weeks ago i started feeling 'funny' so i took a pregnancy test, it was positive. Thats right i am expecting my 2nd child due 19th July. Me and Grant were in massive shock it was a total surprise!
When i had my cyst i had to go off all contraception for my hormones to 'do their job' and remove the cyst as soon as possible, and in that time i fell pregnant.

The next day i started to get a lot of pain, went straight to a+e had blood tests and got sent home with an appointment with the gyene ward the following morning. I went their on the Thursday had a scan, they couldnt see anything my whom is backwards tilting so its a struggle to see clearly at the best of times! They sent me back home and booked another appointment the following day where i had a blood test, the results werent great. During the early stages of pregnancy your hcg (hormone levels) are meant to double every 48 hours and mine didnt, they went up gradulally but my progesten dropped from 40 to 30. I got sent home again to come back in 2 days time to have a blood test and a scan, the nurses didnt see me we waited 3 hours when a doctor called us into the ward. They wanted me to sit in over night as they thought i had an ectopic pregnancy and wanted to operate the following day. I was a mess i couldnt stop crying luckily the doctor said i could go home as long as i came back early the next morning for a scan. I stayed at my parents house that night i needed my mum i didnt want to have a tube removed, not at my age! We went back at 8.30 the next day i was shaking with fear crying uncontrollably. We had a consultant who did an internal scan, we saw that i have a 12mm cyst in my right ovary but most importantly a sac in my uterus we were so happy it wasnt ectopic!  The blood results had also showed my hcg levels werent doubling but rising well and my progesten had not dropped. I went back a couple of days later to have another scan and we saw the baby inside the sac. Thank goodness, wer'e not completly out of the woods yet as i have a scan next Tuesday to see the heartbeat as soon as we see that i will breathe a sigh of relief.

This pregnancy wasnt planned but the thought of loosing a child brings tears to my eyes. Emma is going to be a fantastic sister, Grant a fantastic father and i am going to try my best to do right my Emma and my unborn child. We are determined not to go on benefits, wer'e saving already im entitled to maternity leave and will be returning to work after.

New boyfriend :)

I have a new boyfriend :) Grant. We met on the bus to work..well i say met he catched my eye the first day i saw him i used to purposly sit opposite him on the bus and he didnt even notice! I even used the 'can i borrow your lighter' excuse. No such luck. I was out with my best friend a couple of months ago and i saw him in a club we were both drunk so i poked him and was like 'HIII!' and he was like 'HIII i know you!' and i was like 'yeah babe from the bus!' and he kissed me and walked (well stumbled) away.
Couple of days later i was on the bus home and he sat down on the chair infront of me and said 'did i see you on Saturday night' and it all started from there :) I was the one that had to ask for his number though...

Ever since then we text each other every day without fail, we took things 'slow'...well slow in my books! he didnt kiss me for a good couple of weeks and then, 5 weeks ago we made it official and its being so good!

We see each other every day on the bus and some weekends, hes 21 and he works in sales hes funny and laid back and makes me feel comfortable and happy. Hes not untrusting hes not a lier hes pretty close to perfect :)

He gets on with Emma i think and Emma likes him hes not a massive child fan though so its abit different to Aidan. Aidan used to ask how Em was every day and when he called me he chatted to her he genuinly wanted to spend time with her which was the only thing i really miss about Aidan. (We broke up a week after my post about him because of the trust he was too clingy and thought i was gonna cheat all the time it drove me crazy!!)

My beautiful daughter is turning TWO

In 4 days i will have a two year old daughter. Its unbelievable how time flies people say to you 'make the most of them been young because it goes so fast' and your like 'yeah sure' but it really does!
Emma is so beautiful and so clever, she talks in sentances you can understand exactly what shes saying her favourite phrases are 'i like...(octonauts or charlie and lola usually)' 'hii, good day?' and 'Emma go play!'.

When i get home from work i ring the doorbell she comes running up and says 'Hii mummy good day!?' and then 'i missed you, love you mummy' Every single day without fail she makes me the proudest mother in the world.

She has honestly changed my life for the better shes turned me into a good loving happy woman and for that i will be truly grateful forever. She honestly is my world, words cannot describe how much love i have for my little girly!!!

Emmas Big Girl Bed!

As most of you know Emma isnt a good sleeper at all, she wakes 3 times a night and when i get up for work at 5am every morning its exhausting!
So me and my mum turned Emmas cot into a 'big girl bed' on Sunday (I say we, she did it and i observed!!) Ive changed her whole routine around, at 7.30 me and Em go upstairs she chooses which pajamas she wants we sit on the bed and talk whilst getting her dressed then we choose 3 books and 3 teddies for her to snuggle, she lies in bed and drinks her milk whilst i read the first story to her when she finishes her bottle we read two more, i tuck her into bed and stroke her hair whilst singing her favourite song untill she goes to sleep
'You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey you never know dear how much i love you so please dont take my Sunshine away'...Again and Again and Again.
The first night it took me 2 hours to get her to bed and she climbed into my bed at 4am sneaky girly!!
The 2nd night it took one hour and she slept all the day through!!
Andr 30 minutes but she did climb into my bed for snuggles at 4am but i dont mind that!
This routine is working so so so well! Im definatly going to stick to it, she is alot more alert during the day because shes getting a lot more sleep.
Cant believe how big my babygirl is getting she will be 2 in 6 and a half weeks!

Frequently Asked Questions

I often get asked questions on twitter, facebook, my website, blogger and formspring so ive put a Q&A together.

1. How did you find out you were pregnant:

I knew before i took the test, i felt 'different' womens intuition i reakon! I went to time to talk when i was 5 days late and it came up negative, they said to come back in a week so i came back when i was 10 days late and it was positive.

2. What was it like been pregnant:

I loved it, the first trimester was fine, i was just tired id go to bed at 8pm every single night! I was at college up untill i was 7 months pregnant aswell so thats probably why i was so tired. I was sick every day from 12-38 weeks pregnant that was the worst part and the heart burn hurt so much! I loved my bump and i loved watching her move its so surreal!

3. Is Labour as bad is people say it is:

YES!! I had pre-eclampsia and i was on bedrest for 2 weeks, went to the midwife and because it had gotten worse i was sent straight to hospital, they did a stretch and sweep i was already 2cm dilated, i didnt have any pain relief untill i was 6cm dilated then moved on to gas and air, it was hurrendous the pain was so unbareable. I also had an epistomy because Em's cord was wrapped round her neck. I was lucky as it was on 6 hours.

4. Did you always have Emma picked out:
NOPE! I knew i was going to call my boy either Charlie or Max, but i kept changing my mind every week with a girls name, bonnie, madison, lacey, poppy, scarlett, Lainey, Macey, Lydia, Deliliah. But as soon as she was born she looked so beautiful so precious, and Emma means universe and thats what she is. My universe.

5. How do you cope being a single mum:
You cant miss what you dont have, ive always being used to doing it alone so i havent missed anyone helping me. Its exhausting getting up every single night for the past 22 months but she is so worth it. The only thing i find hard being a single mum is because i have to provide for Em alone, i have to work in order to give her a better life which means i dont get to spend mon-fri with her very much and i miss it.

6. Do you want more kids in the future:
Definatly. Not yet though, i want to settle down and enjoy Emma i want to wait untill im atleast 22 to have another baby. I want a big family lots of kiddies running round under my feet but i need to sort my career out and find a man first. I want to enjoy being young and only having to care for Em.

7.  Do you find it difficult getting into relationships:
VERY VERY VERY DIFFICULT! Not very many men are understanding, not very men want to have another womans child with them. Expecially around my age they want freedom and fun. I want someone who will care for me and Em and give us space to be together and understand that i cant see them as often as id like because ive got to put Emma first, shes my main priority and she always will be and lads find that difficult.

Reality.

I have a new boyfriend :) Aidan, we met at work and we've being together for 3 weeks now. He loves Emma and he loves me, he sees me all the time we can talk on the phone for hours. Theirs just one thing, and its pretty big. Its his insecurity. Im going out tommorow night because its my best friends birthday and all hes talking about is me cheating on him! Constantly, which makes women want to do it more. He told me he will never trust me so whats the point in a relationship!?

The past few weeks i have being thinking alot about Emmas dad, and ive realised that deep down i do still love him. No matter what he did to me or how much he hurt me, he also meant a lot to me he was my first love. So im finally going through the grieving process of loosing my love because ive always being so busy when i was pregnant and being a single mum. Its hard, very very hard because i know hes not good for me or Emma. But i also know if it wasnt for Emma id still be with him and my life would have being in pieces, so in a way having her has saved me! Shes the love of my life and i know i have to put him behind us but im finding it difficult. Expecially when Aidan's being so untrusting towards me.


My job is going great, although the hours are so tiring, i wake up at 5am to catch the bus for 6.30 and i get home at 7pm so its a really long day and i miss Emma like crazy but its going to be worth it. One day im going to be able to afford a house for me and Emma, and buy her all the things she deserves and i cant wait!

My toddler, work and MEN!

Its being a long time since i did a blog so this is going to be a long one guys!!

First things first, EMMA! The love of my life, shes now 20 months i cant believe it. Shes as perfect as ever still not sleeping through but we'll get their hopefully.. Shes saying lots of sentences she can kiss properly. She loves dancing her favourite words are: Mummy, beebies and CAKE! Thats my girl!!

She is now 25lb so still a little dot, in 9-12 month old clothes soon to be 12-18 though, She makes my life complete and i dont know what id do without her.

I have a job! Well an apprentiship and im really enjoying it, been working for 2 weeks now although its a bit of a culture shock from being a full time mummy to going into full time work i miss Emma like crazy! But i know that shes going to thank me in the long run, things are really looking up for the two of us, and hopefully by next year ill be able to afford a place for me and Em, I cant wait to spoil her and buy her everything she wants because she deserves it.

Right, low down on men! Or shall i say MY man, yup thats right i finally have a boyfriend we've being dating for a month or so and made it official on Sunday, We'll call him Mr X. I thought i had baggage, but boy does this guy have baggage! I didnt think it'd bother me maybe im just being selfish. 

The main reason i think is because i scared hes always going to compare me and Emma to his dead wife and daughter, i dont want Em to be 2nd best and im so frightened that thats how hes going to treat her. Hes always busy aswell so i dont get to spend as much time with him but to be honest thats probably a good thing a ive put on so much weight i am now..wait for it....7 STONE 4! I dont know how ive managed it ive being looking at diet pills but i want to loose it in the 'healthy' way. Thats probably why  hes so 'busy' and why im his dirty little secret because im an elephant!

Which leads me on to my next moan...I know im an adult but he hasnt tagged me in a relationship on facebook all my friends keep saying its because hes probably got another woman maybe he has? Or maybe im being stupid he doesnt brag me about me or anything whereas even my friends that are boys brag! If your with someone surely you want to show them off and talk about them all the time? I know i talk about him lots to my friends! Hes really good with Emma though which is fab she seems quite comfortable with him to but because we dont see each other often she cant build a bond although maybe thats a good thing? Incase he runs away as most men do...So not the best start to a relationship, i thought the first couple of months were meant to be the best not filled with stress?

As most of you have read in my other blogs about my ex and that im scared of letting go i think thats why im making so many excuses NOT to fall for him should i just let it happen and risk getting hurt again? Or do i be pesimistic and push him away?


I have this 'friend' hes lovely he makes me laugh he constantly texts me i see him more then i see Mr X he fancies me soo much and he always asks about Emma and talks to her when i see him i miss just having a laugh, maybe wer'e getting too close we havent done anything not even so much as a hug so why do i feel so guilty!!


But all in all 2011 has being a good year, ive got a job and my daughter and thats all i need as long as Emmas happy then im happy!!

18 months

Emma is now 18 months old!! Its flown by its so crazy, she can point to her hair, nose, mouth, teeth, eyes, ears, tummy and ...boobies LOL! Her favourite words are 'i see' and 'whos/whats that'. However her tantrums are getting worse! Im sticking to my guns though and when mummy says no she means no as hard as that is... The worse times are when im on the bus or out in town i feel everyones looking at me thinking im a bad mum for letting her cry but i know its for the best even if it does break my heart! She was really poorly this week, i went out to see a friend on Tuesday and she decided to be sick for my mum, she was vomiting everywhere for days, not eating it was EXHAUSTING, i have never being so tired in my life, ive never had to take a nap during the day but i couldnt keep my eyes open. Thankfully shes over it now, she was sleeping in my bed whilst she was ill though so its abit of a struggle to get her sleeping in her cot.


The job hunt isnt going well, i got some more help with my CV so fingers crossed something will happen, ive decided if not im going to apply for college again on September even though i feel too old, but if you want to get anywhere in life now you have to have qualifications, im hoping to do a secretarial skills course or something of that nature!

Man front isnt good either, but its only Febuary! Im feeling really lonely at the moment aswell cause of Valentines coming up, the WORST day ever if your single, every time i see people kissing or holding hands or valentines cards i wana scream!
Their was a guy, a gorgeous fit sexy one! But hes out of my league not into babies either i dont think, life goes on though eh!?

I had a meeting with young leaders last week im the head of the young parents campaign which is fab! Going to afew meetings late Feb early March for it, really excited that we've had a lot of good comments about it rather than synics!

LEAVING THE PAST BEHIND. 2011 is our year.

This year hasnt being the best, but it hasnt being the worse either. The past 3-4 months have being a bit of a fresh start for me and Em. Emma's dad no longer wants to see her, which was put a massive weight off my shoulder, we've moved to a nicer area, ive made nicer friends and im nearly driving aswell.

I want to get a job in the next 2-3 months in order for me and Em to move out, its definatly the right time now, i feel more confident, and it will be nice for us to have our own space! The only thing im worried about is lonliness! But hopefully friends will come over and with me working ill get out of the house and Em will be able to meet some baby friends!

Another major one for me is to pass my driving test and get a car! I had a saxo but sold it, i couldnt get on with the none power steering at all! (If someone could reccomend me cheap PRETTY cars preferably pink let me know)

I want Emma to carry on being the smiley bundle of joy that she always is, for her to develop sociably and get friends instead of clinging onto mummy (as much as i love it!) Potty training is going pretty well too, so hopefully she'll carry on with that. As long as shes happy i cant ask for much else!....

But if im VERY VERY VERY lucky this year, then Mr right might turn up ;) Someone who will accept Emma and realise shes THE love of my life! I want someone funny, happy, positive and laid back. You never know whats around the corner though!


All in all in feeling very positive about this being a fresh start, afterall life is what YOU make of it.